My heart beats fast as I type. This is Indulgence - a labor of love - a place that has hosted so many of my feeble attempts at expression. I started Indulgence in 2006 - on the insistence and encouragement of friends in my first year of college. Since then, much has been said and much has been concealed from this place, but it remains - a place close to heart, a home almost, that today I have decided to return to.
A lot has changed in the past few years - in the outer world and in my inner world. If anything, the relationship between the two has become stronger. I believe that I have become clearer - with both my unique identity and my oneness with the universe, with my shared misery and suffering with all of the living world. As it is early January, I feel compelled to reflect on the year gone by. It has been quite a year - a year of the illumination of truths. We saw the world come apart, systems of health, education, public provisions exposed, shattered and rebuilt, we saw the power of the collective human spirit - systems that emerged outside of all rulebooks of organizational behaviour - systems of love, of collaboration, of showing up - for complete strangers, for each other, for ourselves. Personally, the year held a similar trajectory for me - it made me confront truths - external but most importantly, internal. And, it shattered falsehoods and false systems and through much messiness and struggle, brought me on the other side, where there was light - of awareness, of compassion, of a self that was a little bit more true. Of everything that 2021 taught me, the biggest learning was to always show up for oneself.
As I write today, my heart is heavy. Most states have entered partial lockdowns again, schools have been shut (ironically, malls, pubs, restaurants, places of worship and even wedding gatherings are allowed to function with some restrictions). The COVID statistics have become relevant again. I have spent much of the day ensuring the people in my team are okay, have the support they need - many are symptomatic, some have tested positive. I have been unsuccessfully trying to avoid the news of the Bulli Bai app - this is the sort of thing that has the potential to cause utter despair at the state of things. But, I know that 2022 holds promise. I can see that as a collective, we are having conversations we weren't having. We are despairing over things more publicly, more openly. In 2021, we have seen minor and major wins of democracy. In 2021, I have seen wins - many, many of them. I have managed to get better at keeping up routines, at being easier on myself, at being truer to myself, at standing up for myself, at holding dualities. So, I hold this duality in my heart - that at a higher, divine perspective, may be all of this that's happening is just ebbs and flows - the way of things, but also that with a human perspective, it is okay to despair, for oneself and for fellow human beings. It is okay to allow the heart to sometimes, sink and not be hopeful. It is also the nature of things.
Speaking of hope, Indulgence is back in the public domain today. I hope to be better at allowing myself and my innermost world to be seen again - unless some days I am not, and that would be okay too.
