Wednesday, February 26, 2014

I will hide behind my screen and cry. And no matter how much I try, all that I type will be normal. Those moments when I long for the keyboard to write about my brokenness are somehow always stolen from me, and are patched up with obstinate hope, so that all I am left with are lost moments leading to more lost moments. Some day, we will break in and away. Some day, the patched up cracks will start to give in, and we will have to see what we do not want to.

There is nothing more bitter than past happiness. Nothing crueler than larger-than-life dreamy moments of perfection that get stuck in time. Feeling the passage of time is a strange thing. You aren't supposed to notice it go day by day, are you? And yet, at some point in life, you do. As if you are running late. For life.

There isn't much left to say or do. Never before has hope seemed so cruel and so indispensable at the same time. 

Saturday, October 05, 2013

Summer

It's a long summer afternoon. She stands with one foot on the metal gate, another in the air, and takes a swing. A childhood flashes by in the semi circle she makes. 

She is six. She swings with one foot on the freshly-repainted metal gate. She loves that smell - the smell of new paint. She has on a light cotton frock with polka dots, and holds an ice lolly in one hand. These are a rare allowance, these ice lollies bought from street vendors. They aren't considered hygienic by her parents, but sometimes, on summer afternoons like these, she uses their presence in her grandparent's home to her favour. The world out here is different from the one she lives in. Life is slower here. People seem to always want to meet and talk to each other. There is a girl in the neighbourhood her age who does not go to school. 'That is not such a bad thing though', she thinks. The thoughts of school and holiday homework make her uneasy. She climbs down the gate and goes upstairs. It's three storeys, but it has never seemed like much to her. Nanaji is in the pooja room. Nani and Mummy are pickling mangoes. Mummy spots her and asks her to come and have some mangoes. Everything seems to be in such action! As if bathing and getting ready and worshipping and cooking and eating and pickling and telling kids what to do are the most important jobs in the world! 

There is a noise and a lightness and a yellow-tinged distant happiness about that memory that make her smile. She goes to the living room and switches on the flat screen LED TV that has silently replaced the black and white TV with double doors somewhere through the years. She flips through the channels and settles on Doordarshan - something completely vague and uninteresting. But it allows perfectly for nostalgia to flood in again.

She is sitting on the sofa with all other kids, sibling, cousins, neighbours. They have learnt how to make Rasna, and they are each holding a glass of it proudly in their hands. 'Chhutti Chhutti' starts on Doordarshan, and there is cheering. There is a cartoon with a girl and a boy and a rat and a bird, all two-dimensional hand-drawn cartoons, with a compulsory moral in them. She loves everything about them - the voices, the background score, the simplistic animations. She needs nothing else in that moment. They play hide and seek after the show is over. They laugh and shout and run around the house, with occasional reminders from elders to not be too noisy and disturb naps. In the evenings, Mummy puts on a crisp cotton saree and wraps herself in that familiar sweet smell of talc as she takes out a set of pyjamas for her and asks her to take a shower too. She washes off the sweat and dust of the day to spend the night lying under the stars with the entire family on the roof. Summer nights are all about stories. 

Just that, she didn't know then, that they become stories too.

Friday, September 13, 2013

Summer

I bought you a can of lemonade.

'Canned lemonade? Ugh!' is what you'd say
'How lazy ass wasted would one be to have lemonade out of a..'
and you'd take a sip and look at me with surprise in your eyes.
'Holy ...Where did you find it?'

I found it in the shop where they are canning everything
and selling them at ridiculous prices

'What do you mean everything?'

You know, like, pink popsicles and cotton candies and my granny's blueberry muffins, and the smell of talcom powder mixed with sweat on summer evenings, and our siestas, and all our loud laughing neighbors, and the treehouse in the backyard, and the dusty street from my home to yours.

'All of that?'

Pretty much.

'And us?'

We are the buyers.

'Why us?'

May be we are the only ones left who'd pay for all that. 

'What's the shop called?'

Summer of '94

Thursday, September 05, 2013

Honest Life

Perhaps all I want is an honest life. A life in which I am honest to the work I do, to the people I love, to the things I believe in, and to the dreams I dream. Perhaps, that, would sum it up.

Monday, June 24, 2013

Oh to be young!



Oh to be young and uncertain

to be ready to break

and to rebuild

To be willing to not know

and yet keep on

as if you do

To be ready to die

for a belief

And to live

believing

in life

To be scared

and foolish

To be willing to dissolve

in the headiness of a kiss

as if that is all there is

Oh to be young

and in love!

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Loneliness takes hold of all of us at some points. But after a while, you'll know it was for the best. It was your heart wishing and preparing you for something new, something that you needed to do but weren't able to do before. It makes you *do* things. It makes you, in heightened awareness of your self, sensitive to your own needs, true to who you are. Listen to what it is telling you. Life is whispering its plans for you in your ears on lonely windy evenings. Hold on.

Monday, April 22, 2013

April 22, 2013

We are nothing but statistics, infinitesimal points tending to zero on a self adjusting bell curve.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

To be a romantic

I am a hopeless romantic. And sometimes, that's not a good thing. Being a romantic is like having a disease. It involves living in a world of unrealistically high expectations after watching a movie or reading a book and being thoroughly, unsettlingly disappointed with the mundane present. It means smiling to yourself when you see a dog sleeping in the sun and being at the receiving end of weird looks from people who happen to see that. It means walking into a cafe, ordering something, and settling into the cornermost seat with a quaint book in your hand and not wanting to leave for hours. It is this strange urge to be anonymous in a city that you know too well. It is this dangerous readiness to trust. To please. To give. To be hurt. And then to repeat. It is this constant struggle to fight back a lump in your throat on random incidents, texts, videos, book snippets, pictures on a daily basis. This constant need to be touched and known and understood at a new level each day. This craving to be someone different and better each day. It is never satisfied. You live your life as if you're on a trip, a holiday, or wanting to be on a holiday, and nothing, absolutely nothing, is real enough.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

March 13, 2013


I look around and I see so much inconsistency. People are inconsistent. They are not what they were a few minutes ago. They are not what they think they are or should be. Their beliefs are not rooted in anything. Another thing that people are, is indecisive. They delay decisions until the damage is done. They live in this spiral shaped hollow of denial. Most of them. Including me. Perhaps it's because of the way we are brought up. So many memories I have are broken. They were lost and abandoned one by one as I added years to my life. I hated leaving once. Now I may enjoy it. 

I dreamt a very vivid dream. I was walking with my father and he held my hand and in the gesture, passed me something. Perhaps a piece of gold jewellery. But it was something that meant something. To both of us. I felt my heart fill with an inexplicable mixture of joy and longing. 

How empty would the world be without love. There are different kinds of love. And the love between the same people keeps changing from one kind to another. The first is the kind of love that fills the empty places in your heart. So you feel that you can never be unhappy again. That the puzzle of you has been solved and you are now complete. The other is the kind of love that empties you. It is as if someone has opened a tap in your heart and all you are and used to be is rapidly draining out. As if you need something and you don't quite know what. As if there is something you need to do and you can not find out what it is. As if you will never ever be whole again. No form is better than the other. They co-exist. Claiming all hearts in turns.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

The wish of a song


I want to create a song. A song so tenderly and innocently happy that it evokes an untraceable melancholy in your soul. And I want to hold a guitar and sing it with a smile on my face, as if it doesn't kill me. As if now is all we have. As if there is nothing loftier than this moment, not even the weight of the past. I want the tune to be fast, not too fast to make you pant for breath, neither slow enough to let you rest on any one image that any note evokes. I want it to be a collage, a dancing collage of confusion that leaves you with a sense of both contentment and loss at the end of the night.

*I heard a song like that.*