Open Diary - 27th October

I feel it too often these days-this strange déjà vu, this tendency to cling to sadness when I ought to be happy, to be celebrating. There’s something amiss in the picture of life, or may be there’s an extra piece somewhere that I can’t remove no matter how hard I try. The wind- it makes me so numb, so blue as if I’m not where I ought to be or I’m somewhere I shouldn’t be. It brings with it such distinct, fresh memories that they refuse to register as memories- they become the here and now with every hollow breath, every single sensation alive. I dive deep into it, knowing it leads only to nowhere. Darkness has a strange charisma about it. It invites you with open arms and you somehow melt into them. There’s a certain glory, a liberation in every single tear you shed. Its as if you’re accepting, embracing, and may be even forgiving yourself for your mistakes. I just figured why life does not have a rewind button. Its something like a computer program with multiple threads. It takes different paths of execution every time you run it. So may be even if you had a rewind button, you couldn’t go back to exactly where you wanted to- the butterfly effect of life…

Open Diary-21st August 2008

The college has already started looking like a soon-to-be-past thing. Thoughts of the future have affected the present so much! I go down for a coffee and see a swarm of new faces, and it all appears like a big cycle that I’m a very minute part of. Not just the college and the passing out, but life on the whole. I don’t know why and I don’t know whether this is good or bad, but my mindset has suddenly become very spiritual. I try finding a purpose in things I do but I can’t see it. There is a big blunder somewhere in the whole equation of life that we’ve set for ourselves – all of us running this mad race and trying to work for ‘happiness’! sacrificing today’s sleep, rest, talks, smiles and laughters for a better tomorrow- I wonder where this recursion ends. Sometimes all I long for is utter peace, absolute beauty, pure nature and the ultimate solace of being in the company of myself. I wonder whether this phase will pass too; may be tomorrow when I have hordes of responsibilities scuttling up and down my priority queue, I’ll come to terms with the meaninglessness and obscurity of life. But right now, at this very moment, I find myself wiser, older and all the more inadequate and ignorant about the gift of life, breath and spirit that I’ve got.

On The Midnight Stroke of Independence Eve 2008

Its midnight and a wild crowd of students adorning expensive brands, riding expensive bikes and exhibiting an expensively rare surge of patriotism have come to celebrate Independence Day at kc. It’s indeed not often that you witness nationalism in one of the costliest engineering colleges of the country, where ‘sense of duty’ awakens, stretches lazily, shakes off the dirt on it and gets down reluctantly to work not more than ten days before sessionals, or 20 before end sems. Its amazing to see how events and occasions like the independence day transform mundanities like Indianness to stark realizations. I am a true Indian. My throat enmasses with awe at every reminder of the long tale of independence and the incredible sacrifices made so that I could be born into a free country, breathe free air, get the best education, have fun and try out my own little destiny in the crowd of a billion. We’re a very fast progressing nation- a young population: armed with unlimited technology, instant communication, clear cut visions and hoards of our ancestors’ mistakes to learn from. We roam around with plugged ears, lensed eyes, chemically straightened hair, electrically razored legs and a mobile database of everything we consider essential. But then when I look down the highest histogram of progress, I see a deep abyss, staring back with helplessness, still waiting to be filled. I see my counterparts in J&K trying to figure out a way to keep themselves and their families alive in yet another avatar of the age old communal tension. I see politicians playing an evil game of chess with innocent lives as pawns. I hear of an engineer like me believing in, dying and killing for the principle of terror. I read about heart-rendingly high figures of domestic violence. I question and I wonder. And I crawl into my bed and sleep. May be tomorrow, the newspaper will be a more heartening read. As Independent India turns 61, I know I’ll still swell up with pride and melt with humility before the flag of my nation. The white between the green and the saffron will still be there and it will definitely give me the promise of a day when we shall be free. After all, imperfection is what keeps the world going.

It is one of those nights, ah well its 3.30 in the morning, when the consciousness of your existence makes it impossible for you to repose in slumber, when the heart races very fast to keep pace with your thoughts, when you think only of yourself, your 'perceptions' of the world, your dearest domain of plan and activity where nothing challenges you, when you can look straight through the obstacles as if they are not there.
I am usually awe-struck at the thought of how amazing I am, or you are, or humans are in general- the intellect, the emotions, and above every other thing, the power of expression. I marvel with pride at a baby making its needs felt, or a patient of cerebral palsy, unable to speak or even move, expressing his joy, anger, disappointments and utter euphoria watching a cricket match.
Your inner world is the mirror of the outer world. How you perceive the world depends on how deep you have dug inside yourself. I might be a tiny speck in the universe, a conception of too few dimensions, or may be I am not even there, as followers of some schools of philosophy might claim, but the very fact, or illusion of my existence makes me question and analyze my thoughts and actions and thus those of the entire human race. My beliefs have changed as I’ve grown and they will continue to….without cease, but there is one thing that I’ll never stop believing in, and that is the power of man, because it reaffirms and exalts itself more and more each passing day. The more you try to tie him down, the stronger he becomes. We are inherently curious creatures and when our potential is challenged, the curiosity to see where the limit lies can work…..well….wonders- that’s what ‘impossible’ things are called once they are accomplished.

The whiff of life in the morning air
Those sights the heart beheld!
The noisiness of the playful river

that the silence of the mountains bequeath!!

The spirit's merry,broad-winged flight
while on an appalling course
...and on the zenith of the night
the indulgence in repose!

When after a long chaotic slumber
a familiar blessing voice reminds
one by one in astounding numbers
the melodies we left behind!!

The crashing cymbals in the heart
when the churchbells solemn chime
The crumps of longing in throat enmasse
listening to a forgotten rhyme....

The subtle songs of love and praise
that evolve with us through time!
The lovely caress of life's embrace
like the smell of earth.....divine! sublime!!

Dedicated to the two pillars my world stands on...

when the night was dark

and the way unknown

how did u still

lead me back home

when the body was bleeding

and the weapons gone

tell me how

u still fought on

when emotions were still

and eyes were dry

u still kept smiling

tell me why

how do u make all moments so bright

why do i feel u r always right

why does every fairytale

make me believe

your values will prevail

why do all deceiving eyes

convey to me

that truth will rise

whenever the wrong

battles the right

wat makes me speak

"i will fight"

yes it is your firm conviction

that truth is always

mightier than fiction

its your belief that makes me say

that my footsteps

will never go astray

no, gratitude would be too small a word

to tell you dear parents

that YOU ARE MY WORLD!!

बचपन का वो आश्वासन

शायद था अंधविश्वास

दोषी भी तो शायद

है अपनी ही आस

स्वार्थ लिप्त इस दुनिया मे
भावनाओं का मोल नही
गूंगापन मंज़ूर यहाँ है
पर मन के सच्चे बोल नही

रह जाता है पंछी फड़फ़डा कर अपने परों को
तोड़ने को आतुर वो लोहे कि उन छड़ों को

एक एक कर ढहता है धीरज का हर स्तम्भ

आहत मन का दंभ है

या है साँसों का हड़कंप

आंखें जैसे खोयी हों
टूटे सपनों की समीक्षा मे

निगल ना जाये रात इन्हें

भोर कि प्रतीक्षा मे

फूँक कर रखने हैं कदम

कहीं छूट ना जाये संयम
और टूट ना जाएँ कहीँ

"सुसंस्कृत" समाज के

ये दृढतम नियम

ambition!!

silent creatures
silent skies
silent r these waking eyes
but thumps away the beating heart
all set to tear itself apart
and the active roving mind
oscillates far n behind...

when the world sleeps
they r wide awake
choosing to put
all at stake

its a constant drive
a blazing fire...
an unsatiable deep desire...
to keep the storm blowing by
to keep the tides rising high...

there r numerous embers in the urn...
still alive n ready to burn.


the anxious surge of blood n passion!
the strong emotion..tamed ambition..!

A Contrast With Life

All the while i struck

a contrast with my life

with tons of grief in my heart

I have learnt to smile

while I'm mum like a doll

and emote like a toy

I wonder whether its my sorrow

or my search for joy

To talk about all else

but keep shut my grief

to relieve others' cravings

and myself crave for relief

The distances are too long

its so hard to get ashore

not a glimpse of the land

and hurdles such galore

its a battle.....a silent one.

its a battle......that can never be won.

for i had dreamt of the sky

which was pretty much too high

and the nature's wierd rules

are too tough to defy

so I struck a contrast

with my beloved life

and amidst the looming darkness

I lit my torch alight

yes..life is a lost battle

but I prefer to fight

to enjoy the course of the strife

and go with all smiles..

Sometimes u win

and u dont know it....

this battle where both of us lose each day....

Sometimes u manage

to make me feel

the heat from ur soul smouldering away...

when your meandering melancholy seeps quietly

through the invisible barriers I have created......

and i watch helplessly-the long gathered heaps of my strength...melting away..

transforming into fluid compassion....

And i know u won again

when my heart breaks into a billion pieces...

watching u cling to a thin thread....

oscillating between the fear of losing...

and the meaninglessness of winning....

But what u fail to know is...

I know, I feel, and I die everytime my realisations come alive....

We both are fighting......u your fears....and me my pretence.